“How are you doing today? Like how are you really doing, how did you feel when you woke up this morning?”
We slouched in big comfy chairs tucked in the corner of the room. I grasped the red cup between my hands tightly and took a big sip and a deep breath. The rain fell steadily outside as she looked me in the eyes, waiting patiently for the truth to fall off my lips.
She was never the type to allow lies or half-truths. She didn’t want the sweet, surfacey stuff. She wanted raw, real, right now. It’s what I love about her. There’s something so good and so necessary about friends you can count on for genuine, “I haven’t seen you in three months and I don’t want to talk about the weather, I just want to know how you’re really doing” types of conversations.
I paused for a moment and sucked in all of the oxygen humanly possible for my lungs to hold in the hopes that it might hold traces of the courage I so desperately needed to muster in order to say my next sentence.
“I think I am in a war and I am going to learn how to fight.”
I haven’t ever needed to fight before. Or at least, I haven’t ever felt like I have needed to fight, but then again, no enemy has ever been this strong before.
The warfare is treacherous and it’s forms are ever-changing. Some days I find myself tangled in whispered lies of shame, condemnation, unworthiness. Other days opposition manifests itself in feelings of numbness and an inability to crawl out of bed for days at a time.
“I’m tired of showing up to the battlefield unprepared. I’m exhausted. I don’t want this anymore, so I think I’m ready to fight.”
This I know is true: We were not created to lie beaten and defeated. Those heavy cloaks of hurt and shame do not deserve to drape themselves over our shoulders.
This battle does not end with white flags of surrender to cunning weapons of depression and guilt.
We were created to be victorious.
So this will be a season of arming ourselves with the Truth. It will be a season of waking up ready to fight against the lies. Ready to go to battle with the voices in our heads that convince us to hate ourselves. It will be a season of knowing that we are beloved and cherished. It will be a season of learning to fight.