Letting Go

How? How did this become a familiar feeling?
How did my body come to know what to expect next?

The time between the here and there is excruciating for me, though I know what hurts me most will finally set you free.
You are just seeking a place of peace.

I watch the life leave your eyes,
I watch the breath turn to air.

How? How did this become a familiar feeling?

I find myself frantically searching for answers that aren’t there.
Though the feeling is familiar, it isn’t kind. The sting stays the same as I sit with your body, now cold. It is lifeless, a shell of what used to hold so much abundance.
Where is that abundance now?
I just want to know.

I want answers. Tell me, tell me, do you have any?
I just want to know,
Where is your soul?
Where did you go?

And did you leave a map for me to find you later?

I wish I could have come along if only to know what you feel. If only to have the satisfaction of assurance that the pain is really gone. That the choke hold of death has released you. That you are free now, breathing deep.
Breathe deep, my love. Be free.

But in my hope for your freedom, I am still searching.
Frantically, frantically, where did you put the map?
Doesn’t anyone have any answers? Where do I go from here?

People continue to walk through life all around me, moving forward through the hustle and bustle.
They go to the grocery store, pick up their kids from school, they study for tests.
I look down at my phone. A text from mom.
“Can you pick up some coffee and bring it to the house?”

My stomach turns.
Don’t you know I’m grieving? Don’t you know the world just lost a bit of light?
How do we carry on? How do we move forward back into “normal”?
But what does that even mean? What is normal? No one knows. No one has answers.
There is nothing normal about this…
yet there is.
This, this is the cycle of life. We live. We learn to love people and things more than we even know we could. We find beauty in the way an uncle laughs, the sweetness of a grandmother’s smile, the loyalty and unconditional love of beloved pups.
We lay with them as life leaves their eyes, as breath becomes air.
And though we wish the world would stop and mourn with us, life goes on, and we must too. We learn to enter back in to the hustle and bustle.

But for now, in this moment, there are no answers and there isn’t moving forward.
There isn’t much to do.
Because loss is loss,
and pain is pain,
there aren’t any answers,
and even if there was, the hurt sears through the heart all the same.